Spontaneous Prose, Experiment No. 3

There is a pain in my side and it reminds me of Paul, or Christ, or maybe Arthur if I am thinking of you. And I am thinking of you, of course, but still it reminds me most of Paul. There are many people with the same name, this is something you will learn. Right now your grandmother is driving to Mesa to meet you, or at least to be with your mother, and your brothers. She is in pain too and so I am thinking of her and maybe there is a parallel to be drawn but this isn't that sort of poem. She is in a different sort of pain, something she shares with you and your grandmother and maybe your brothers but not with me, because that is the way of things. And what do we share. Maybe in the end you won't turn out anything like me, and maybe that will be ok. But your middle name is Elaine and yes there are many people with the same name and maybe you don't have to be that Elaine but you need to at least know that I have been. Right now it is denim jackets and I want to hit myself. My grandmother asks me if I am nervous and I do not know about what. About the baby. No I am excited but I don't think I'm nervous and mostly I just hope she comes before you leave and Becky leaves. Did you come before then? I don't know yet. You certainly came early, almost six months early. I said to start trying three months early because of statistics but also I said this nine months too late, and it didn't matter anyway. Your parents wanted a summer baby and maybe after all it is only the time of year. Do you know they picked your name waiting for a table? They said they liked a name but many people have the same name and then there was another name that sounded the same and this was your name, Avalon. I think I will call you Ava, this is what I have decided, or Ave, but what will I call you when I hold you for the first time? My niece, and what am I. Increasingly I am realizing I will never be over her. I thought today, how often do I think about her. Only now, and then, but mostly I forget. Enough, and that is enough. I am looking into a mirror and hoping I see her. And if I turn away, I don't remember that part of the story. Someday you will read it and remind me, but for now you are only someday, you are not today. I do not remember you, but I am ready to remember you.